


I Always Thought I'd Be Ok

by turtlesquare



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Character Analysis, Character Study, Depression, Drabble, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Psychosis, Schizophrenia, Suicide Attempt, Tim-centric, edgy probably, this isnt much of a character study really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-15 05:49:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11799726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtlesquare/pseuds/turtlesquare
Summary: Tim was never ok.





	I Always Thought I'd Be Ok

**Author's Note:**

> "self projection" much?
> 
> This is a mess that got out of hand smh I was very sleep deprived when I wrote this

Tired.  He was so, so tired, all the time.  Everything weighed down like a sheet of fog, covering him, smothering him.  It was hard to breathe; he couldn’t.  Then he met Brian.  He made Tim feel better sometimes. Not as lost.  Brian was the beacon of light from the tower overhanging the cliff, lighting his way through the vast expanse of the ocean.  He was there, but also so far, unreachable.  Tim would try to grasp for him, but he always seemed to be an arm’s length away.

He never thought  _ it _ would happen.  He didn’t know what  _ it _ was at first, didn’t know it existed.  Being denied love at such a young age, being passed around as if he was nothing, being told he was worthless and crazy and irredeemable;  his parents never loved him and the doctors never loved him and he never loved himself, but on that chilly night when Brian leaned against him and whispered  _ “I Love You _ ” before laughing awkwardly, he knew what it was at once.  His mind was blank yet full, overflowing with a swirling vortex of confusion and lust and  _ it _ .  

He wasn’t sure what had happened after that.  The voices cut down for a while, the shadow figures vanished and the intrusive thoughts weren’t as intrusive.  He was good for once.  But they came back, worse. It wasn’t fair, being denied the ability to connect.  He distanced himself from Brian.  It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t  _ fair _ , he got a stronger prescription but it didn’t help, nothing was helping.  He would take them more often, getting hooked on the only thing he trusted himself with. Brian vanished from his life at some point, he wasn’t sure why, everything was too hazy to remember.  Something about leaving for college. 

He was alone again, but he wasn’t alone, the Man was there, creeping and blocking and keeping him from happiness.  The pills didn’t help but he took them anyways.  The only way for things to be better was to knock back a bottle and pass out on the floor, but it didn’t work, it never worked.  

Tim was lost, trapped in a box hidden in the dark depths of somewhere dark, dingy; a basement maybe, the closet of a stillborn’s nursery. Everything was a blur.  Nothing much happened, he had returned to the fumbling, schizophrenic mess he had been as a child.  He couldn’t hold down a job, he was always waking up miles away from home in places he didn’t recognize, with bruises and scratches and cuts that he couldn’t place.

The broken leg had been what had got him.  He went back to the doctor, and things seemed better again. Almost.

Then Jay came.  If Brian was the lighthouse, then Jay was the captain of the lost ship, trying his best but leading everything down.  With Jay came uneasy feelings, ones that Tim couldn’t quite place, or maybe he just didn’t want to.  He disliked Jay.  But he didn’t, not really.  The hotels and the constant companionship got to him.  He wasn’t better, not in the least, but Jay distracted him.  Jay made everything worse, but so, so good.  He didn’t understand, but he didn’t have to.  Jay didn’t force expectations on him, didn’t expect much.  The two had gotten a steady routine.  There was something going on between them, or, TIm thought, but then..

..Jay died.

And he spiraled down, angry and sad and the fog was back but now it suffocated him, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see, and everything was his fault.  He had killed Brian, and he had killed Jay, and Alex was right; it was  _ all his fault _ .  

After everything, he was the worst he had ever been.  It was over, and while the threat was gone, he wished for the old days of danger, if it meant he had someone.  He tried with Jessica, he really did, but it didn’t work.  Nothing would be the same, nothing would ever be good again.  He told her that he was sorry, and he left, and he drove and drove until he found that lighthouse, and when he finally did, he knew it was time.  Time to finally be at peace.

And he jumped.

**Author's Note:**

> work title is based off this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YJ2x7zU3Q4  
> (I Always Thought I'd Be Ok by Hotel Books)


End file.
